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Let’s not beat around the bush- You probably suck at life.

It doesn’t make you bad. Just… “less than”. Less than others. Less than adequate. Less than the best you’re ultimately capable of being.

We could blame your family. We could blame your teachers or the community. We could blame the government. We could let you blame yourself.

But the blame game is for losers. And we want you to be a winner. That’s why we’re offering to coach you up in life.

Whatever you’ve been, whatever you’ve done wrong, whatever shame and guilt and failure you can’t seem to wash off in the shower… We’re here to help take it all away. You don’t need to be ashamed of yourself anymore.

You’ve found us, and we’re here to coach you into being the best you can possibly be.

It won’t be quick, and it won’t be easy. You’ll have to check in frequently, and we’ll have to beat you down pretty hard when you do. But when you can finally look in the mirror and not be disgusted by the flawed creature staring back at you… It will all have been worth it.

Life is hard, people. But we’re here to help.

What’s good? What’s bad? What should you like? How should you dress? What should you enjoy and what should you watch and where should you go and what should you do?

You’ve spent an entire life giving the wrong answers to those questions. But now you can throw your own terrible choices out the window and start substituting our judgment for your own.

So take a knee, and listen up. We’ve got a lot of work to do if we’re going to turn you into something resembling a respectable human being.

It all starts now.