For the gentleman of a certain age (specifically, post-college), one of the greatest challenges of life is initiating and developing new friendships with other men. Outside of the incubating buddy systems of an educational setting, making new guy friends is a complicated and perilous ordeal.

If you need someone to watch TV football or go to the gun show with you, and you don’t have an established guy friend in the area… You’ve got quite a challenge to overcome. Even meeting and wooing women is a piece of cake compared to making new guy friends after college. Because you can’t just go to a bar or club and position yourself near someone who looks depressed, counting on his biological clock and low self-esteem to make you a new friend.

You’ll have to put in some hard work on a narrow social tightrope. But lucky for you, we’re here to coach you through it.

We can’t teach you how to meet potential guy friends… You’ll have to do it yourself through work, church, volunteering, or any other time-wasting activity of your choosing. There are over 3 billion other males out there… Just start talking in public about athletes being overpaid or the relative attractiveness of various female celebrities, and someone is bound to slow down and listen eventually.

Once you’ve made contact, your next move is to schedule a social outing- a man date. Sporting events are ideal, but not always feasible. Our advice? Invite your intended new man-pal to go see a movie.

The trick is picking the right movie. Avoid anything that plays in an art house theater. Other red flags include movies that have a political plot or a review containing the words “intelligent”, “artistic”, or “auteur”. One of the greatest challenges you’ll face is maintaining an unimpeachable front of total heterosexuality. If your potential new friend suspects, even for a single second, that you might not be 100% super-straight… The whole game is lost.

It’s a tense situation, made worse by the fact that your man date will also be paranoid about accidentally throwing off homosexual verbal or non-verbal cues. Being or appearing anything less than totally heterosexual is the absolute worst thing a guy can possibly do, ever. This is why choosing the right movie is so critical.

Choosing an artistic or political movie makes you seem brainy, and too much intellectual curiosity is “gay”. Choosing a science fiction movie makes you seem like a dork, and nerdish tendencies are gay. Any movie that intends to evoke an emotional response is a “chick flick”, and being a woman is gay.

Documentaries? Gayer than John Amaechi: The Musical!

Horror movies? They might startle or actually scare you, making you look gayer than Esera Tuaolo in a four-point stance.

You only have two choices- big budget action films or lowbrow comedies. For teaching purposes, Ty, Reg, and I went on a simulated man date to The Goods: Live Hard, Sell Hard two weeks ago. [Editor's note: Shockingly entertaining, and tragically underappreciated. Highly recommended by all of us, and my girlfriend, too. Go in with no expectations and you're very likely to laugh your ass off. In a totally heterosexual way.]

Once you’re at the theater, you’ll probably be wanting some sort of snacky goodness to enjoy during the film. But be careful about what you choose! Not every tasty concession is man date appropriate!

Popcorn, for instance, is not a viable option. A guy can’t share popcorn with a male friend. If you’re enjoying a movie with family, or a significant other, or a potential romantic interest… Get yourself a bigass bucket of popcorn and share away.

But sharing popcorn with a male friend? You might as well just sit in each others’ laps and french kiss your way through the movie.

A good rule to follow is to ask yourself: Can I remove this food from the package without touching it?

If the answer is “yes”, you can share it.  If not, you’ll have to buy separate packages for everyone. Because if you’re going to share popcorn, you can just go ahead and drink one soda through the same straw, you lousy homos.

If you’re looking to share, candy is the way to go at the concession stand. You can shake candy out into an upturned palm, avoiding any homoerotic undertones from exchanging physical contact or traces of saliva.

Above, left to right: Ioannis, face replaced with that of legendary Greek statesman (and airport eponym) Eleftherios Venizelos. Ty, face replaced (as is his custom) with that of Dr. Manhattan. And Reg, face replaced with that of legendary aviatrix Amelia Earhart, who also vanished into thin air just after beginning a fantastic adventure.

Seating is another important consideration. If the theater is almost empty, you’ll want to make sure and utilize the buffer seat method illustrated above by Ty, Reg, and myself. Using a buffer seat is like using a buffer urinal… Essential whenever possible.

But if the theater is more than half full, the opposite is true. Going out of your way to maintain a buffer seat between you isn’t just inconsiderate to other customers… It’s an obvious attempt to avoid seeming fruity. And trying not to seem gay is one of the gayest things anyone can ever do.

When the theater is filling, you have to close the gaps. Just like in the bathroom… When the only available urinal is right next to another urinal someone else is using, you have to just dive in, stare directly at the wall, and get done as quickly as possible. Standing back and waiting for someone to finish instead of using an available (but non-buffered) urinal is the same thing as admitting that you can’t control yourself when you’re within reach of someone else’s exposed wang. It’s a blatant confession of homosexuality.

And you can’t just go pee in a stall, because peeing in a bathroom stall is for women. And, as we already established, being a woman is totally gay.

Ioannis, Ty, and Reg demonstrate how to sit side-by-side in a wholesome, masculine, heterosexual way.

When you’re forced to sit directly next to each other, make sure to practice proper arm etiquette. Make sure your hands are well within the boundaries of your seat, ideally crossed over your stomach or resting on the inside of your legs. This helps avoid any unintentional hand grazing, which could be misinterpreted as attempted hand holding.

Careful staggering of elbows on the armrest will allow you and your man date to avoid physical contact altogether. Just make sure that if you do inadvertently bump forearms or shoulders, that you apologize in the most gruff, baritone voices you can muster. If possible, try to comment on the relative attractiveness of female celebrities in the movie (or any previews) as quickly as you can.

Saying: “Dude, that chick is pretty hot,” is a good way of asserting that you are unquestionably straight, and always ready for sexual intercourse with an attractive female.

If your man date makes such a comment, the appropriate thing to do is to respond with mirroring language. Say something like: “Yeah, she’s totally fucking hot”. This confirms for your friend that he is correct to publicly declare his willingness to have intercourse with the actress in question, and helps reassure him by showing that you recognize his heterosexuality and share his desire to have sex with attractive, famous women.

The unnecessary profanity adds emphasis, and also works as unarguable proof that you are not gay. Scientific, controlled lab experiments have shown that only the most ferociously heterosexual men on earth are capable of inserting unnecessary profanity in speech. The more vulgar (and frequent) your gratuitous profanity, the more obvious your straightness becomes.

With careful planning and constant vigilance, you can enjoy a “fun” trip to the movies, and help develop your new friend relationship. We hope our coaching will help you achieve your goal of making and maintaining some sort of basic human connection.

Be sure to send us your success stories! Just don’t send them in an actual handwritten letter… Because those are totally gay.

What are you, some kind of queer or something?