Losing sucks. No matter how hard you cheer or try, nothing can stem the pain of a tough loss to close out the team you love. You don’t want to flip on the TV, read the paper or even think about turning on local sports radio.

You pretty much shut down from sports. Maybe you take some time to play with your kids, throw yourself into work, hit the gym, or even catch up with homosexual friends who hate sports.

But there is a fifth option that only works for a certain type of person. Are you capable of taking this drastic, unnamed step? First you must answer the following questions:

• Do you live in Dallas?
• Do you love THE COWBOYS and FOOTBALL?
• Do you believe your limited emotional and financial investment in a sports team entitles you to see a title… or five?
• Do you believe this is a winner’s town?
• Are YOU a winner?

If you answered yes to at least three of the above questions, you don’t need to spend a second lamenting the end of a lost sports season. You just pack the bag and move on to the top of the seasonal sport standings. Usually this means dusting off the Red Sox cap and getting read to cheer on your homeboy Big Papi. But right now, we’ve got some first place TEXAS RANGERS to cheer for. Since it might not last long, here’s a quick douchebag’s primer to getting ready to care about baseball:

1. The Rangers are playing well on the home and the road. This is important because you have no intention of going to Arlington no matter how good the team is until they make the playoffs. They should be in Dallas, dammit. You don’t make deals, pick up bitches and take jager bombs in Arlington, so why the fuck should you see baseball there? Besides, you went three times in high school and the lost every time - and Arlington can sometimes take 25 minutes to get to from your condo. Dallas needs to do the right thing and make Fair Park a baseball stadium.
2. The team is young - just like you and your frat brothers. Your cashin’ checks and breakin’ necks just like Elvis Andrus, Chris Davis, Ian Kinsler, Derek Holland and Jarrod Saltalamacchia. You know what else, broseph? Salty totally hooked it up with his high school gym teacher - and she was the hot kind. It was totally like that time me and Craig ran the train on Mrs. Durnwitz - woot! woot!
3. The Rangers biggest weakness is and always has been pitching. If those stingy owners and managers would just cough up the cash and sign a high profile, free agent pitcher like maybe a CC Sabathia or a Ben Sheets or the latest slanty-eyed sensation from the WBC who once stuck out 16 Dutch players in a single game (since none of that has ever bitten any team in the ass before) then we’d stop being fucking losers all the time. I mean, look at Jerry Jones, he’s not afraid to spend some cash!
4. Josh Hamilton is completely washed up, and it’s time to move on and concentrate on the future. I mean, yeah, he was balls to the wall last year, but he’s fucking done. Pitchers have totally got him figured out and he’ll never be an elite player again. Last I checked, that faggot was only hitting .240 and even  Elvis Andrus has more home runs.  Now he’s hurt and sitting on the DL like a little pussy boy quitter.  This is Dallas, bro. This town’s for men. This town’s for WINNERS. Get the fuck out!! In the past, we’ve been guilty of holding on to guys like Mike Modano and Troy Aikman who couldn’t duplicate their best seasons from the prime of their careers. Let’s not make that same mistake with Hamilton.
5. When I was 15 and my Dad made sure I had a hardship permit to drive his convertible, he taught me an important lesson: When the heat turns up, close the roof and turn up the DMB. Crash is such a fucking panty-dropper. Tom Hicks needs to take my old man’s advice, pay off his long-term debts or pawn them on Jewish bankers and put a roof on that park.  And sell that fruity fucking soccer team. What the fuck is up with that? You already have an American soccer team, dude. Up in Alaska’s Mexico, they call it hockey.
6. Some people say baseball season is too long and the games don’t mean as much - Bull shit. 162 chances to make that fat cash! You can go on a big run good or bad, and always have enough time to make it up when the shitty Royals or Devil Rays come to town!
7. Baseball isn’t fixed like the NBA, NFL and NHL are. At least until we make the playoffs again.

So, there you have it. Get ready to root, root for the home team.

And, if they start losing in the near future, it’s only three months until AMERICA’S TEAM plays some FOOTBALL!!