Tell Captain your deepest secrets...

There’s something magical about free sporting events. Even though Rangers baseball is the cheapest ticket in town (anyone who complains, buy a $6 ticket and then just find an empty spot - it’s one of the perks of sucking and/or living in a FOOTBALL TOWN!!! YEEHAW!) Maybe we should look at what $6 gets you at other team stadiums? An official Dallas Stars Sean Avery handbag? A Roy Williams jersey with matching green card? A lock of J.J. Barea’s freshly shorn pubic mane?

Still, my cheap approach to Rangers games sometimes gives way to random acts of charity from others who see me as a freak curiosity for attending so many games on my own accord.  Last Friday, I made one of my random moves from the bathhouse to the penthouse (isn’t that how the saying goes?) and immediately put on my Perez Hilton chaps and got to manufacturing news. Since the Rangers were completely destroyed by the Royals, it was easier than usual.

Here is the next round of inane chatter at Rangers game - but with a VIP, front-row spin:

• Neil McCoy of all people not only sang the national anthem, but then took his seat right near us. He was pretty into the game - even as Matt Harrison was getting battered around like it was Thanksgiving at Warren Moon’s house.
• Picture this. You take all day spiking your blond-dyed hair, pressing your Ed Hardy jeans and make sure your Affliction shirt with the v-neck is crinkled just right. You have your vapid blond bimbo on your arm and you decide that your Dad’s tickets are totally the way to go. How do you impress her? By name-dropping? Being clever? Cheering hard? Listening to her? HELL NO. Instead, you proceed to loudly scream the names of every pitcher traded in the last five years from the roster whenever it is time to make a pitching change. If that guy didn’t score on the way home, it’s only because she’s a total lesbo anyway.
• Tom Hicks and Nolan Ryan do not like watching their teams get the crap kicked out of them. We’ve mocked the man in the past, but the disgust they seemed to share as Josh Rupe got knocked around by a team that would struggle offensively in the PCL was clearly evident. In fact, the two took off for the clubhouse tunnel during the inning talking in hushed tones. We were debating if this meant the end of Ron Washington, but the next day, Derek Holland came up to be the next franchise pitching hero.
• Tom Hicks also said that we had a flight out to Liverpool the next day and needed to head out shortly after. Not sure how long the trip is, but it is probably what let Ron Washington hang on to his job until they rallied Sunday. Next order of business, get to pimpin’ his stable of young 30-something guys being raked by the media so far this summer to help pay off his loan debt. There are a umber of good specials already underway. For example, $80 gets you a reach around from the horse and $90 gets you an erotic massage from Jon Daniels and a bonus nipple tweak from Dustin Nippert.
• I have never seen a crowd give up more than when Michael Young was lifted mid-game for Omar Vizquel when the bases were loaded. I won’t repeat each question or profanity, but the collective disgust was like an eclipse. It was the opposite of being “built for fun.”
• Rahr is making a special beer this season called Ranger Red that is just fantastic. It’s a little pricey ($8.50), but well worth it. I spent my first two games hunting it in vain, but if you check the beer taps near homeplate on the ground level, it is there.
• My wife’s ability to befriend new people is amazing. We met a good portion of the security staff who could not have been more kind. They even gave her a baseball after the game as a memento of her “favorite baseball night ever.” You can tell the ballpark staff has been told to go out of there to thank people, be nice and encourage you to come back. If this thing ever turns around in the next few years, the customer service infrastructure is going to be right there to support it.
• I am jinxing Chris Davis. I bought a new red shirt with his name and number before the season started and have grimaced as he started slowly. The wife and I both tend to get attached to random players all too often (for example, she was wearing a Kason Gabbard shirt purchased two summers ago), so when he smiled at her from the on deck circle and she giggled, it was probably the kiss of death for the poor guy. I’ll do my best to keep her away from Smoak, Andrus and the other kids, but I promise nothing.
• Frankie Francisco is a good dude. After the game, he brought his wife and kid out to the field and played tag and catch with his kid until the fireworks show was over. I know any father in the world could do that, but the fact that he could put his kid above his frustration impressed me. The team, as flawed as it’s rotation is so far, just seems full of good guys - maybe to a fault. I guess I am growing up, because knowing thinking that I am rooting for a group of good guys meant more to me than it used to. I mean, we spent the late 90s watching a roster of roided-up douchers bash home three division titles, and the only guys on those teams anyone cares about anymore are Rick Helling and Rusty Greer.
• Note to Rangers gift shop: Calm the hell down with the novelty t-shirts. The most rage-inducing shirt I had ever seen before this night was a Stars one that said “we’re not booing, we’re Stuuuuing.” What the hell does that mean? I know yelling for Darryl Johnston was fun in the 1990s, but chanting every name with an “ou” sound is not the solution to everything. Still, I would rather be “Stuuing” than wear a Josh Hamilton jersey shirt that says Hambino or Ham Bomb somewhere on the front or back. If his slow start continues, I am blaming the existence of Ham Bomb for any and all misfortune.
• STOP WITH THE DAMN WAVE. It was still a close game and the Rangers have a runner at third with one out. How do you intimidate the pitcher? Scream? Yell? Heckle? Nope - you do the f$#$ing wave and yell at people for not doing it with you. When the game is over, please go die in a Ranger Red fire.
• Question for the commenters: Is it acceptable to eat an almost full bag of shelled peanuts after the person next to you has left The Ballpark and abandoned them? The wife says no, but the security guy and I say yes.Until next time, thanks for making us your favorite source for out-of-date Rangers gossip news.