Hot Springs, Arkansas. For a city built on illegal gambling, indulging organized crime, and shameless, rampant whoring… It’s a surprisingly fun trip for the whole family!

You might ask yourself, how did they manage to clean up this lawless town that morality abandoned and decency forgot? Some might say it was the crackdown on underground casinos. Others might say it was the mass arrests of mobsters.

But if you ask me, it’s all thanks to the anti-cigarette butt ordinance.

Every 20-50 feet, there are special receptacles for cigarette disposal. It seems silly and wasteful, but in reality it makes a huge difference in keeping Hot Springs looking good.

The first order of business in our busy day of Hot Springs exploration was to grab some lunch. We got a lot of recommendations for a barbecue place called McClard’s.

Unfortunately, nobody told us that McClard’s is closed on Sundays and Mondays. And Old Man McClard doesn’t take kindly to visitors.

We pulled in to the parking lot and noticed that the place was closed. So we stayed inside the car and looked for another restaurant address. Meanwhile, Old Man McClard skulked slowly past us and went inside, where he watched us through the glass door for 5 straight minutes.

When we finally started to leave, Old Man McClard came running out of the restaurant screaming “HEY! HEY!!!” So I did what I always do when a deranged, angry old man starts screaming and running after me.

I stopped, got out, and talked to him.

“Just what exactly are you doing?!?!?” he asked. So I quickly explained that we had been aspiring customers, but that we were now leaving to go somewhere else.

He just said “Oh…” in a surprised and humbled voice. We still haven’t figured out what exactly he was upset about… Maybe he was a race fan who didn’t like the swarthy Mediterranean tint that my brother and I share.

Instead, we drove around town (Hot Loops… in HOT SPRIIIIIIIIIINGS!!) to the Whole Hog Cafe. The award winning Whole Hog Cafe. The award winning Whole Hog Cafe where there are no crotchety old jerks to harrass you in the parking lot.

Not only was the restaurant open, the staff was friendly. And as we found out when they spotted Ty’s “Bluth’s Frozen Banana” t-shirt, they were also Arrested Development savvy.

So if you’re ever in Hot Springs and hungry for barbecue, the staff of Take A Knee.Net encourages you to avoid McClard’s. The Whole Hog Cafe is where the pulled pork party is truly at.

After lunch, we hit the Hot Springs Historical District for some cultural enrichment. First stop: The Gangster Museum of America.

I’m not sure if we made the right decision picking this museum instead of going to the Bass Fishing Hall of Fame. I did learn a little bit about gangsterism, but nothing about lures and reels. Also, I was severely disappointed with the lack of acknowledgment of the Rap component of Gangster history. Less Lucky Luciano, more MC Ren, please.

The SBC Tournament is back in Hot Springs in 2010, so we’ll just have to make sure to visit the Bass Fishing Hall of Fame next year.

One would assume that one of the top tourist priorities for a Hot Springs visitor would naturally be to visit the hot springs. But we put that off until almost the end of the day.

It’s a little disorienting to dip your hand in near-scalding natural water formations. Even the decorative fountains near the springs are steaming hot. I had assumed that you could go into the actual hot springs… But if the sample spring was any indication, that’s not really possible.

Instead, the whole street is lined with 3 or 4 historical public baths.

No more inferior baths under a garden hose in the yard for me!

The first thing Ty did when we entered a Hot Springs bathhouse was break away from the rest of us and run downstairs to the mens room. The rest of us decided to just look around without him.

To me, it looks less like a pleasant shower than it does a torture chamber. But then again, I’m no Mafia crime lord.

We grabbed dinner before going to the Summit Arena for the Tournament semifinals. Our destination was the even more highly recommended Mollie’s Restaurant. This time, we called ahead to confirm that they were open.

This place was amazing. Great sandwiches, nice atmosphere (I have a soft spot for restaurants run out of renovated houses), and a very sweet waitress who has been working there for 35 years.

I’d encourage everyone to stop by sometime… But they’re shutting down today. Hot Springs has gone through a chain restaurant franchising boom, and Mollie’s is having a tough time staying viable against the newly built likes of Popeye’s and Applebee’s.

So, sadly… After 63 years of delicious food and friendly service, Mollie’s is closing down.

Too bad, Lily Moiczko. Learn the lesson young- Everything you love that is truly good and decent will eventually abandon you or cease to be.

We barely got a chance to scratch the surface of what we wanted to do here. We didn’t go to the horse track. We didn’t go to a casino. We didn’t visit the giant observation tower. And, of course, we didn’t get to the Bass Fishing Hall of Fame.

But the SBC Tournament is back here again next year.

You haven’t seen the last of us, Hot Springs.